This happens-you were young, in love and happy, but at some point life played a different card – your partner fell out of love with you, or maybe it was you who cooled down to him. Love ends, a loved one can leave you by his own decision or by the will of fate. And here you are, so experienced, with a lot of knowledge, financial savings, in the prime of life, left completely alone. You are not 20 or even 30 years old for a long time, you have taken place as a person, a mother, a professional, but there is no witness of your life left nearby.
What difficulties will a person with your experience face?
At first, it will be difficult to get used to loneliness, because you are used to sharing everything together with your husband – joint breakfasts, shopping trips, solving everyday problems, emotions, bodily pleasures. Now none of this will happen, but I want tenderness, human warmth. One day, the thirst for love will overcome the fear of a new relationship – and you will create a profile on a dating site or agree to meet a person on the instructions of close friends. Here the most interesting thing will begin.
It turns out that you have been locked up for too long, have not gone on dates and have forgotten how to communicate with men. You don't know how to flirt, to be seductive. If you could not strain yourself with your ex-husband-chat about everything in the world, sitting in old pajamas and shaggy hair, you were brought together by a common past, beloved children, a life lived-now everything is different. You are not related to each other, but strangers. Opposite you, some adult uncle with gray hair and wrinkles is sipping coffee, which is not associated with the twenty-year-old guys who ran after you before.
Of course, you yourself have not been a starlet for a long time. But inside, there is a feeling that you are 17! This is some kind of joke: being a mature woman, starting everything from the beginning is stupid to giggle, sweat at the thought of the first kiss, it is painful to look for a topic for conversation. The main thing is not to run away at this moment, not to decide that you are too old for this vaudeville. Love is worth the candle, even if you have to take risks.
Late relationships: how to open a new chapter of your life?
* Do not rush to rush into the pool – get to know your new self
Your ideas about yourself are very outdated, it's time to throw the extra stuff out of your head and life. It used to be that you loved jazz, read Agatha Christie with a binge, wore cotton underpants. Now everything is different-from preferences in food and in bed to a new social status. Review your goals, dreams, expectations from life – what has changed, what is happening to you right now? What kind of relationships do you want with men - romance, joint creativity, simple friendship? Do not expect magic from your partner – that he will solve your problems, fill a spiritual void or give a new meaning to life (healthy people are repelled by the consumer position, but attracts tyrants, whiners and narcissists).
* Stop comparing the past with the present
The more time passes after the breakup, the more illusions are born in your head: over the years, the ex-husband seems not so bad, you remember his golden hands, thick brown hair, delicious cooked pilaf. So what if he did it only once, trying to atone for countless infidelities? The new friend has never made such a pilaf, and he has almost no hair left. Women love to compare the cold with the hard, they have a weakness for what is not there, and they do not appreciate the present at all. But there is another person next to you, you yourself have changed for a long time - it's stupid to try to sit on two chairs. Let go of the past, learn to enjoy what you have now.
* Be careful with criticism, learn respectful treatment
In our youth, we were all proud and hot-headed, often cutting from the shoulder, not hesitating to insult our loved ones in an attempt to prove our case. Love seemed to us something self-evident, a feeling that would tolerate everything. You could walk around in anything (where will he go), not wash, not shave, throw tantrums. And only now comes the understanding: true intimacy does not mean that you can do whatever you want in the presence of a partner. Maturity means respect, spiritual generosity and the ability to find compromises.
* Remember the importance of personal space
It was at the age of 20 that hormones climbed out of all the cracks, exacerbating romantic feelings, forcing you to walk on the edge of a knife. You were young, hungry, just getting to know yourself. Everything was a novelty: a joint life, a sense of adulthood, and new pleasures. Feelings prevailed over common sense, so you didn't belong to yourself. This made me so want to merge with my partner, to live one life for two. Now you are an adult and an accomplished person who has a lot of things behind him – children, work, worries, time-tested friends. You are no longer the same carefree teenager, you have your own interests, needs, a separate life. It is normal to respect each other's boundaries, to get closer gradually, to be together and at the same time separate. You are now wiser, stronger, more self-sufficient – you need more time for yourself.
• Don't be afraid to talk about money
Who told you that talking about finances kills love? Of course, in previous relationships everything was different - you had no savings, you were poor students who built a family from scratch, living on country potatoes. Now everything is different: you have an apartment, a car, some capital and children who want to leave an inheritance. It is normal to discuss your claims in a new relationship. Who will you live with, who will bear the costs, what will happen in the event of your death? It is not necessary to start such conversations on the first date, but it is also stupid to pretend that you do not care about the material world at the age of 45+.
* Discuss your wishes out loud
It's great if you feel each other at a distance, you can guess from the expression of your face what is going on in the soul of your partner. But miracles rarely happen, no matter how loving the chosen one is, no one has taught him telepathy. Don't expect the person to guess what upset you – say everything honestly and out loud. Without sighs and interjections. "I like this one, but I don't like this one." "I'm tired and I want to be alone." "I need your help." "Can you give me a hug?" You will be surprised how this simple habit will help to change your relationship qualitatively, will open each other from a new side.
A small warning: even if you decide on the format of a new relationship, this does not mean that over time you or your chosen one will not want something more. You may have to change the rules of the game, cross out a couple of unsuccessful points. There is nothing wrong with conducting an audit of the relationship from time to time and answering the question: are you happy with this man? If not, think immediately about how it can be fixed.
